Danni Petkovic | End-of-Life Doula / Volunteer at Children’s Hospice

Duality of life

Fear + Thanatophobia

Loss, void, emptiness, darkness, sadness, sorrow, impossible, shortness, waste, terror, blackness, extinguished, inevitable, uncontrollable, ceased, exited, rest, departure, shadow, earth, ashes, taboo, stopping, dying, passing, the end. Or is it? (wish I could ask).

Paradox

My 20s filled with this existential dread. Desperately living on the edge taking up very little space away from that edge. Living fast. Sleeping little. Never satiated with what just ‘being alive’ offers. 

The pain and sadness of the thinking of death means complete avoidance. 

“One day I won't be here anymore. Not. Here. Any. More. Where then? There's nothing. What then? Really… one day… I won't be here! Ad infinitum. Literally on repeat. A mantra if you will.

Forcefully and deliberately blocking the thoughts to survive. Pretend death won't ever happen.

Life is only for living furiously, recklessly and dangerously. 

Antithesis. 

Living a death-defying life. Every. Day. Complete contradiction. Pushing every boundary to prove life is the opposite of death. Or is it? (I dare not ask).

Death. Dead. The word I must avoid. I can't go there. I stop. My breath stops. One day… The fear paralysing, stuck, unable to move. Breath hold. I cry silently inside. I sob loudly outside. I ache. I scream. I dare not exhale for it can't be real.

It makes little sense. We are here. Then we are not. Why live? Why Love? Why experience? Why anything? What does any of it mean? If one day… nothing…’I'm not going to be here’. No sense, stopping me in the quiet of my space. Stopped. Dead. In my tracks. Death, driving my every move. My raison de’être. 

Reflection.

30s are for pondering this diametrical existence. Why the fast cars, motorbikes, no boundaries? The ‘five-hour-a-night-sleep-when-you're-dead’ ethos? The ‘do everything today in case I don't wake up tomorrow’ motto. The dangerous career in policing cleaning up the wrong side of much death? Risk taking always? The near-death experience as a teenager. 

Was this about that? Or that about this?

Supporting close family in multiple loved ones' deaths (just don't mention mine, avoid)...need to keep pushing those boundaries. Prove I'm alive. The opposite of death. Or is it? (The question merely whispered).

Leaning in.

40s is for being done with denial and pretence.

Caring for my younger brother in illness and premature death meant no more avoidance! It’s time!! I lean in, fully and wholly. I give in and grieve completely the loss of him.

Vivid dreams and meditations after his death all point to one thing, use these lessons of death in life to support others. Guide them at the end of their human experience.

Liminal Being is born.

Human Being. 

50s is for understanding, slowing down and finding purpose. 

My most recent losses show me that the body is a vessel for the soul, lifeforce and energy that we call ‘our lives’. A dear one recently posed: “What if all along the soul wasn't in the body? The soul was/is here all along and the body existed as part of the soul?”
Birth is the opposite of death, not life. (A knowing, not a question).
Death is part of life. Everything must return. Full cycle. 

Witness.

I cannot watch the death of being and not acknowledge that energy came from and must go, somewhere. Before birth, I wasn't ‘alive.’ After death, I won't be ‘alive’. I don't profess to have any other answers as I've not yet been there yet, but the dread is dead. Gone.
Life is death, death is life.  I've come full-circle and have nothing to fear. 

 
Acceptance.

—Danni Petkovic (2024)

Editor’s note: Danni completed her End-of-Life Doula training at the Australian Doula College in 2024 and has been a volunteer at Bear Cottage Children’s Hospice since 2023. Previously, Danni volunteered with Sydney’s 24/7 Street Kitchen for several years and co-founded the Blanket Patrol: North Shore/Northern Beaches. In her former career, Danni was a police officer. For information on Danni’s end-of-life doula services, please refer to the ADC’s Doula Directory.

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