Jordan Lukey | Funeral Guide / Ceremonialist / End of Life Doula

What happens when we die?

My formative experience of death was that of my Little Nan—Josie. She was a delight and wonder and openly pondered her own death, dutiful in reminding us what songs she wanted played at her funeral. I can remember her saying she would be dead soon from when I was a small child, she would have been in her early 80s though she had planned to get to 100. Nan was full of little sayings, things like “a stitch in time saves nine” and one in particular from Stanley Holloway’s poem Brahn Boots. She would say “Brown Boots? I ask you, fancy coming to a funeral in brown boots!?”

I was present for Nan’s death which set me a new course. I’ve spent the past 7 years exploring end of life and death care. I became the Brown Boot Celebrant in her honour, weaving ceremony and ritual that represents the person in authentic and subtle ways.

Trained as an end of life doula, I’m always developing my toolkit to support those facing end of life and the people around them.

I don’t always have the answers, but I can be a sounding board, or help find solutions. Mixing the role of celebrant and doula, I am conscious of purpose, funerals don’t have to be a big expensive event, but as Dr. Sarah Kerr says, a village making one. People often don’t know what to do or say, but inviting them in and offering them a job really can spark magic and connection.

Several months ago, I had a friend and colleague from my other job—a well-known hardware store—who knew her death was coming. She asked me to “officiate” her funeral, but the conversation didn’t go further than this.

After her death occurred it took a little reverse engineering, but what happened was magic. On a sunny Saturday Morning, some close friends of hers came to paint her coffin bright pink. It was a cathartic way for friends to contribute, laugh, cry and share which was both sad and delightful because it was deeply connected.

Opening moments like this offer precious opportunity for conversation and reflection. In community I help facilitate Death Cafés (an informal conversation about any topic related to death and dying). I love the richness that comes from this, holding with openness and heart people take this time to really reveal what they’re thinking or feeling and so often something that feels silly or shameful is a shared concern.

I guess I don’t have an answer for what happens when we die, it’s so personal. I’ve heard people record in their own voice what they think will happen and share it as their funeral. Some think when we die and leave this place its rounded and complete.

For me, I look forward to seeing those I’ve loved. I want purposeful ritual and ceremony to honour me, even in the quiet preparation of my body. This is not a one size fits all. As individual we are in life we are in death, and the real magic is honouring this deeply.

—Jordan Lukey (2024)

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