Dr Mark Goodhew | Senior Lecturer of Mental Health and Drug and Alcohol Nursing

Through 35 years of being a nurse, I have seen people die. The AIDS-related deaths in the early 90s were the most confronting. It was devastating to see young people die before their time from a cruel, horrifying and stigmatised disease. Being a young gay man, it often felt like a preview of my death. Now I am 56; I feel fortunate not to have contracted a deadly virus and be alive and healthy today.

At the same time, I nursed patients with AIDS; my older brother Kevin died from a heroin overdose. He was 25 and used heroin to cope with abuse from our father. Kevin’s death eventually led me to work in a supervised injecting facility (SIF). SIFs are places where people who inject drugs can inject legally and more safely under the supervision of health professionals.

Through working in a SIF, I have seen hundreds of people on the brink of death from opioid-related overdoses, fortunately, reversed with an antidote naloxone. I am incredibly proud of my 12 years working in a SIF. SIFs have been operating for nearly 40 years. There are approximately 120 SIFs globally, and in these services, there has never been a death from an overdose. I wish there were a SIF Kevin could have used when he died in 1993 in Canberra. If there was, there is a good chance he would be alive today.

Despite witnessing death as a nurse, I, too, like most people, fear and have been in denial of my own death. Now that I am over halfway through my life, denial is shifting as I am starting to contemplate more about what happens when I die. I have read about near-death experiences, which have somewhat lessened my fear of death. I like the commonalities people report, such as reviewing one’s life, feelings of immense peace, a bright tunnel of light, being welcomed by benevolent beings and reuniting with loved ones.

If a reunion with loved ones is true, I hope it is also true with pets. I have mourned the death of my pets far more than my father, who died two years ago. Unlike my father, my pets have brought me an abundance of unconditional love instead of feelings of inadequacy and shame.

Writing this letter has triggered me to think about how I want to live out the rest of my life. For me, a successful life centres on fostering good relationships. Therefore, I strive to invest more time in my partner and friends and will try to be kind to everyone I encounter. I also realise that my body, over time, will naturally become less robust and deteriorate. I don’t fear aging, but I dread losing my independence and being dependent on others.

Therefore, I will exercise more and eat better to stay as strong as possible in my old age. I fear a long and painful death and am glad that NSW introduced Voluntary Assisted Dying laws last year, as this law will provide me with a choice if life is too hard.

This letter has helped me reflect on my experiences and beliefs about death. I still fear death and am not entirely sure what happens when I die, but I hope people’s accounts of near-death experiences are true; they make death sound rather pleasant. More importantly, this letter has helped me start to dissolve my denial of death, be fortunate that I am still alive and think about how I can live my best life.

—Dr Mark Goodhew (2024)

The Death Letter Project welcomes your comments and feedback. Please feel free to leave a comment on our Facebook page or alternatively submit a message below.